Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
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My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Seems kinda suspicious
john wicks are toilet candles
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
The 6 types of sex
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.