I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
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You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Name this drama.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out