[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
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Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
handsome & gretel
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”