HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
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Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.