We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
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[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do