[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
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My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?