robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
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I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
6: are snakes just neck?
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us