People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
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“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
These dogs look like they have good credit.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???