Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
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If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Every damn time
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.