Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
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My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.