I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
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Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
According to math, I’m broke
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.