“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
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which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
This anagram machine is out of order.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.