My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
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I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No