[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
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When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.