The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
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Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.