Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
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I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Dammit Chief not again
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
guys I’m going home
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year