Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
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Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.