At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
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My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
it’s finally my moment to shine
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr