I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
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[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.