My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
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dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo