family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
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I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.