me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
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toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
mentally somewhere in italy
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.