The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
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Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
<- sleeps well with others