I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
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a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
me hooking up with my ex
Actually cracking up @ this
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
you will never know the true number of layers
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.