👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
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Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
I like long walks away from everyone
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.