ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
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When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.