I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
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Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
is this a warning or an offer?
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL