I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
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The two types of wives
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Midwest trash talk
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.