ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
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My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
barbara was highly relatable
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*