Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
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Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
How high do the levels go?
Namaste
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.