What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
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January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
When I laugh on my period
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.