*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
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teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Saturday
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out