Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
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Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Happy Halloween 🎃
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned