(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
You Might Also Like
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know