Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
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OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?