eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
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[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”