wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
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I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Note to self: always read the final line
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.