And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
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In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
My work here is done
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery