what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
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My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.