I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
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[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Put my back out twerking in the library again
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.