I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
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How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin