Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
You Might Also Like
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”