Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
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Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.