Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
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My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife