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Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF