[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
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If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
The happy life.. 😊
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…