Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
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willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous