“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
You Might Also Like
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count