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My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.