I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation